Loud Jokes / Recent Jokes
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to more...
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"""That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the more...
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,' then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.' So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger." Blonde
Blonde Suicide "A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid more...
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it`s an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give more...
Moon MissionNASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.""Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.""Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?""Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.""That's right. Over and out."They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage."Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.""Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.""OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?""Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.""That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as more...
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
50 things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic more...