Lovely Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.“Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.”“I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”

Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.

Q: How many [cricket] Test Match Special commentators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to eat the lovely chocolate cake sent in by the Bournemouth Womens Institute, one to say "Now when was the last time we had to change a light bulb on-air - wasn't it 1989 at Lords? " and one to comment on the lovely red bus going down the Oxford Road.

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served more...

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women whoin a short time were fighting over his attentions.They held a meeting to resolve the problem anddecided that each would have his services on adifferent day of the week, with Sundays off for him. In due time the guy was dragging himself through theweek, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floatingon the sea which as it got closer turned out to be aman on a raft. With his last ounce of strength heswam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupantCPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, amI ever glad to see you! "Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"said the raft rider in a swishy way.With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"

What did one centipede say to the other centipede? Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs. ...!

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."

Little Johnny was at school when the teacher asked the class to come up with a sentence or a story containing the word "Lovely".
Well, Little Johnny was waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher decided not to ask Little Johnny and picked Alice.
Alice got up and said, "Today it is sunny outside and the children are playing outside. What a lovely day!"
The teacher again did not want to ask Little Johnny who was still waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher picked Billy to tell his story.
Billy got up and said, "I went to my sisters wedding last week. The church was decorated with flowers and ribbons. Everyone remarked that the bride and groom made a lovely couple."
By this time the teacher decided to ask Little Johnny since she could not think of anything he could say wrong with the word "lovely" in the story.
Little Johnny stood up and told his story. "The other day I was sitting at the dinning more...

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!