Luke Jokes / Recent Jokes
On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.
On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, "Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died."
Fred: Well, then, just give me my money back.
Luke: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Fred: Well, OK then. Just unload the mule.
Luke: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?
Fred: I'm going to raffle him off.
Luke: You can't raffle off a dead mule!
Fred: Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.
Several days later the two farmers meet up.
Luke: Whatever happened with that dead mule?
Fred: I raffled him off just like I said I would. Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!
Luke: Didn't anyone complain?
Fred: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luke!
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you'll see!
The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that - and I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in more...
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you'll see... Knock Knock
Who's there!
Luke!
Luke who?
Luke and see who it is! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Luke!
Luke who?
Luke before you leap! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Luke!
Luke who?
Lukecaracha!