Machine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.

Once There Was A Lie Detecting Machine. Which Made A Sound Buzz If Someone Said A Lie
A Sardarji Sat On The Machine And Said That He Could Eat 5 Pizzas. The Machine Said Buzz. Then He Said That I Can Eat 2 Pizzas. The Machine Didn't Said Anything. Then Sardarji Started Thinking And Said Let Me Think And The Machine Said Buzz.

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine!
On your answering machine -
"Hello?" pause, "What's up?" pause again, "Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!" Beep.

Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 555-1234. But that didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine.

A newly married couple returned to their apartment after being on honeymoon.' 'Care to go upstairs and do it?'' the husband asked.' 'Sh!'' said the bride' 'All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking,' Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?'' So, the following night, the husband asks,' 'I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?''

''No, I definitely shut it,'' replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said,' 'I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?''

''No, thanks,'' said the husband.' 'It was only a small load so I did it by hand.''

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further hes stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. Were testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". Man: "Im sorry, I cant do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I cant do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: "Then youll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: "Cant do that either". Officer: "Why not?". Man: "Because Im dead drunk".