Majesty Jokes / Recent Jokes
THE recently appointed bishop to the court of Queen Victoria was very keen to make a grand impression with his first sermon, and asked Benjamin Disraeli for his advice.' How long, Mr Prime Minister, do you think my sermon should last?' he inquired.
'A most perplexing question to answer,' replied Disraeli.
'Generally, I should say that if you preach for forty minutes, Her Majesty will be satisfied; for thirty minutes, she will be delighted; if you preach for only fifteen minutes, Her Majesty will be enthusiastic'
Frederick II, the eighteenth-century King of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.
'You,' he called. 'You there.'
The prisoner looked up. 'Yes, Your Majesty?'
'Why are you here?'
'Armed robbery, Your Majesty.'
'And are you guilty?'
'Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment.'
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, 'Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid more...
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON-- written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western more...
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, more...
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON--
written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M.
ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
been a hideous confusion as the number of jars more...
While visiting England recently, George W. Bush was invited to have tea with the Queen.
Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her for her advice. She responds that she surrounds herself with the most intelligent people she can find and lets them do their jobs.
Intrigued with this novel theory, Bush asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.
"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair. "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me."
"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.
"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"
Tony Blair more...
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she wasbeing given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a roomwhere a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course theQueen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital." Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate thatyou should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode." "Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable." Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was openand you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex." Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation ofthis kind of sordid goings- on!""Ah," said the Doctor, more...