Majesty Jokes

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. It was taken seriously by a lot of people...

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or more...

Mughal emperors were sticklers about court etiquette. Places were assigned to courtiers according to rank and none besides princes of royal blood allowed a seat. When ordered to approach the throne, the first step forward had to be taken with the right foot and the person had to stop at a prescribed distance from the monarch. Even close relatives had to observe these rules.
Badauni records a transgression of etiquette by the daughty Bairam Khan, the seniormost of courtiers, while attending on Humayun. The emperor was being longwinded in his speech and the aged courtier, who was overcome with drowsiness, became inattentive. Humanyun spoke sharply,' Bairam Khan! We are speaking to you and you seem not to be listening to us.'
The old man roused himself and replied,' Yes, your Majesty, I am all ears. I am told that in the service of kings, watch should be kept over the eyes; among dervishes watch should be kept over the heart; and among men of learning, watch should be kept over more...

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do.

So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep more...

While visiting England recently, George W. Bush was invited to have tea with the Queen.

Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her for her advice. She responds that she surrounds herself with the most intelligent people she can find and lets them do their jobs.

Intrigued with this novel theory, Bush asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.

"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair. "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me."

"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.

"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Tony Blair more...

The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. "Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are revolting!""You dont have to tell me," said the king. "Im trying to eat them. "Where did we get these slaves anyway?""From the country next door," replied the servant. "We must get a new butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith." "We cant, Your Majesty, shes still cooking for you." "Well, bring her to me once shes crispy enough," said the king.