Make Jokes / Recent Jokes

I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe I'm the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over the years, or at least the U.S. has.
It is the asinine stupidity - and plain arrogance - of people that makes me sick. The District of Columbia is damn near so bankrupt it would be "30c short of a quarter." The Financial Control Board gave a timid order to Mayor-for-life Marion "Snort, Snort" Barry to cut 6,000 city employees.
Washington is so obscenely overstaffed that the number of people that should be cut from its payroll is more like 60,000! This isn't cutting the payroll, this is giving it a manicure! People are practically calling this near-nothing cutback a "meat axe" approach!
All the while the city goes deeper into red ink. I'm thinking, when the city does go more...

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.
Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He more...

Math 101Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980A logger sells a more...

A tax preparer was helping some customers.
The first guy comes in and the tax man asks him, "How much money did you make last year?"
The guy answers, "Oh, about $100,000"
"Gee, that's good! what do you do"
"I'm a lawyer for a big corporation, etc"
So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in.
"How much money did you make last year?"
"I made $150,000 dollars"
"Oh really? What do you do?"
"Well, I'm the head doctor at this big hospital..."
And so the taxman finishes with him.
The third guy comes in and the taxman asks him,"How much money did you make last year?"
The guy answers, "Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made about $9,000"
The tax man asks him, "Oh, really? What instrument do you play?"

Sweetest Day is celebrated on the third Saturday in October as a day to make someone happy. It is an occasion which offers all of us an opportunity to remember not only the sick, aged, and orphaned, but also friends, relatives and associates whose helpfulness and kindness we have enjoyed.
SICK MOM
I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.
"Why, you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you even knew how to make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied, "I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter instead."
"You what?" the more...

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they more...