Make Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry more...

A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter.
He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money.
So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.
The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sitting on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money.
So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears.
As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry.
The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger pecker then he did, and the second time I proved it.

Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.
Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.
Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.
Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.
Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.
Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.
Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.
Do not leave unit unattended in public places.
Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.
Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.
Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.
Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.
Unit is delivered "as is" and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.
Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the more...

1) pretendyoudontknowwhatthespacebaris
2) no caps or puncuation at all seriously it really annoys people
3) Abb. or shorten evry othr wrd it wrks rly wel
4) UsE cApS oN aNd OfF lIkE tHiS
5) 1337
5) maik rly stoopid spelng mistaiks liek dis
6) Waste peoples' time.
7) Feing lost of tyops (Feign lots of typos)
8) TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT ANNOYS PEOPLE
9) N vwls. (No vowls.)
10) Capitalize Every Word Lots Of People Do It And It Really Works
11) 1337. s3R10u5|Y. D0 u N0 |-|0// mUc|-| 17 4N0y5 pp| 1F u U53 17 1n c0njUnC710N /// c|-|475p33K? (Leet. Seriously. Do you know how much it annoys people if you use it in conjunction with chatspeak?)
12) Act like a 3 year old.
13) Call everyone "Honey" or "Dear" as in, "Sorry, dear, but we can't do anything about it." or "Don't worry, Hun, it won't help to do that"
14) Ask a whole bunch of questions and don't answer any.
15) Subsitute a hole lot of stuff more...

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal more...

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for more...

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire, right?