Man Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work." An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks." The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks." The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
Three men die in a car accident after a wild Christmas eve party. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. To enter they must each present something Christ-massy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a slightly crumbled cookie, in the shape of an angel, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, the angel asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
The man explains, "Well, they're Carol's!"
A man submitted an autobiography to a publisher. The publisher read the first 3 pages and said, ” I cant publish this book! Youre just writing a story about your car!
The man said, ” I know….. thats why they call it an auto-biography!! ”
The Lord decided it was time to make a companion for Adam.
He summoned St. Peter and told him of His decision.
He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.
The Lord said He would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being, which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
'Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job', said The Lord
'Thank You, O Great One, I live but to serve.' replied St. Peter.' I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this..... .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter Lord.'
'You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more more...
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are: 1. Doctor. 2. Dentist3. Coal man. 4. Decorator. 5. Bank manager. A Doctor says to take off your clothes. A Dentist says open wide. A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?" A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?" A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, more...
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.
The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.
The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.
He drinks the whisky then more...