Market Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of more...

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers more...

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) - Senate Majority Leader Ray
Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order
Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers,
saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the
American economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda -
once a key figure in the information technology industry - claimed
American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new
browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no
longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. "We
have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of
downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the
technological Jones'es," Noorda said.
Noorda's comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of
its Navigator more...

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."The American slogan more...

Drug dealers Software developers
Refer to their clients as "users". Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian Have important South-East Asian
connections(to help move the connections (to help debug the
stuff). code).
Strange jargon:"Stick," "Rock," Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E." "Java," "ISDN."
Realize that there's tons of cash Realize that there's tons of cash
in the 14- to 25-year-old market. in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by the industry's Job is assisted by the industry's
producing newer, more potent producing newer, faster machines.
mixes.
Often seen in the company of of Often seen in the company of
pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes more...

Drug Dealers
Software Developers
Refer to their clients as "users".
Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important Asian connections.
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"Rock"
"Wrap"
"E"
"Stash"
"Drive-by"
"Hit (LSD)"
"Source"
"The Pigs"
Strange jargon:
"SCSI"
"RTFM"
"Packet"
"C"
"Cache"
"CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (WWW)"
"Source-code"
"Microsoft"
Realise that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Realise that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they
want to kill more...