Market Jokes / Recent Jokes

Late-breaking news: Federal investigators have revealed that yesterday's
record drop in the stock market was apparently triggered by two
high-school students operating out of a basement somewhere in Western
Pennsylvania. The names of the suspects, both minors, have not been
released. Arrest warrants have allegedly been issued, but the student
hackers apparently have not yet been apprehended. A spokesman for the
FBI refused to comment on the rumor that the two had managed to leave
the country carrying millions of dollars in cash and gold.
Just after the close of stock trading on Monday, the Washington Post
received a call from two individuals who claimed to be the stock market
"hackers." The callers explained that they have been breaking into the
computer systems of major brokerage houses for several months,
"adjusting" the price of various stocks. This was done by telephone,
using a Macintosh personal computer more...

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 more...

The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash

16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.

15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.

14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.

13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.

12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.

11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.

10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner

9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.

8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.

7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be more...

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the
market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a
special rooster- one that service all of his many hens and when
he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have
just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you
will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose
in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he
said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he
strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a
thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till
Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop
there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one
and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig more...

Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.

An more...

In the midst of the shaky stock market we have had this week many brokers are getting calls from their clients requesting they liquidate their holdings. One broker recounts such a call.
One of my clients call me on Thursday all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice.
He says to me "Howard sell it all sell everything, fast right away."
I try to explain to him that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
He says" John, let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5."
"yes go on" I say.
"Well. My wife Lucie has this thing about the market. It's a phobia of sorts. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress. Her Great Grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever more...