Martini Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man who looked like a high-powered business executive began to drop in at Milton's Bar regularly, and his order was always the same: two Martinis. After several weeks of this, Milton asked him why he didn't order a double instead of always ordering two singles.
"It's a sentimental thing," the customer answered. "A very dear friend of mine died a few weeks ago, and before his death he asked that when I drink, I have one for him, too."
A week later, the customer came in and ordered only one Martini.
"How about your dead buddy?" Milton asked. "Why only one Martini today?"
"This is my buddy's drink," the man said as he gulped the Martini down. "I'm on the wagon."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."
So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"
She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
"Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.
"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's more...

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
"Two weeks ago," I said, ''was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too
hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my
wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for
me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.
''I said to myself 'Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.'
But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started
to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
''As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday'
and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.
''I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, 'You know
it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to
lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing more...