Mass Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock more...

MATERIAL SAFETY - DATA SHEET
"W O M A N" - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 118 lb but known to vary from 100 to 500lb
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas & trace elements in most others.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface is usually covered in a powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, Freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, more...

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:"Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"Pres says: "You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!"

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice. Father, the young couple asked. .. "is it ok to have sex before Mass? " The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection. .. "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass. . but please don't block the aisles..."

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"
"Not yet", replies her mother, "the Mass is only half over."
"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish."