Mass Jokes / Recent Jokes
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:
"Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
Pres says: "You think we''re stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!"
This story was related to me yesterday at lunch by a fellow manager, who
heard it from his dad (guaranteed true...) Phenomenal testimony that
physics shall not be denied, with some small humor value as well.
This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in
auto wrecking yards called a "chipper." Apparently this device is fed
old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized "chips" of
metal.
Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a
chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk. Somewhere along the track,
on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and
the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it. The dutiful crew chocked
the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the
car.
Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit,
as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 more...
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look more...
US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says:' I will now answer anyquestions you have.' Bobby stands up and says:' I have four questions': 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands upand says:' I have six questions': 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby?
THE QUARTERBACK SNEAK: People who leave Mass before it's over without grave reason.DRAFT CHOICE: Choose a seat near the back door.DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.BENCH WARMER: Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.STAY IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.THE BLITZ: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.
Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually more...