Mass Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Vatican is tweaking a few phrases spoken by parishoners at American Mass. "It's nothing major," said Pope Benedict. "instead of'peace be with you,' we'd like American Catholics to say'I won't tell a grown-up.'"

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar more...

Q: What's the definition of mass confusion?
A: A blind lesbian at a fish market.

The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to more...

Having been raised a Catholic and having gone to church some time in my past, I think these are still verifiable!
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize more...

Attorney General John Ashcroft was speaking at an elementary school about rights and freedoms in America. 'Any questions,' he asked. A little boy raised his hand. 'My name is Billy, and I have two questions. First, why are you using the Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Second, why haven't any weapons of mass destruction been found in Iraq?' Just then the bell rang, and Ashcroft stated, 'We'll resume after recess.'
Recess ended and Ashcroft again asked, 'Are there any questions? A little girl raised her hand. 'My name is Julie, and I have four questions. First, why are you using the Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Second, why haven't any weapons of mass destruction been found in Iraq? Third, why did the recess bell ring ten minutes early? Fourth, where's Billy?'

Cardinal Graciaus was once invited to give the first holy communion in a church in Bombay. The parish priest had prepared the young children thoroughly on how to respond to the prayers during the Holy Mass. He had taught the children that the response to the Bishop's saying -' The Lord be with you,' would be -' And also with you.'

As the Cardinal began the Holy Mass, he found that the mike was not working. He turned around to the parish priest and said,' Something is wrong with the mike'

The children, well trained as they were, answered in a loud voice:' And also with you.'