Mass Jokes / Recent Jokes

I'm trying to be optimistic, but I'm pretty sure this news is going to overshadow my prediction for the coming year, which is that there will be a "mass emailing" late in 2007. My prediction also involves terrorists, but my terrorists are much less concerned about religious extremism and much more concernced about erectile dysfunction.
Much like Pat Robertson, Jesus told me that this would happen. And then he tried to sell me a bottle of Adderol for $1.27. What a ripoff! Buddha totally undercut him with an amazing offer of $0.78 for a crate. It's like I always say, when you get deities competing in a free market, everybody wins.

A farmer named Mulldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog, and when the dog died after many a year, Mulldoon went to mthe parish priest and he asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the creature."

Mulldoon said: "I'll go right away. Do ya think $50, 000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed: "Glory be to God Mulldoon! Why didn't ya tell me the Dog was Catholic?!"

During his first mass, a new priest was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I'm concerned about being nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I begin to get nervous, I take a sip."
The following Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found a note on his door:
Sip the vodka. Don't gulp it.
There are 10 Commandments, not 12
There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David more...

The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!
Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. more...

Bush: Whiskers No Longer a Threat to U.S.

The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq came to an end today as U.S. military officials found chemical, biological and nuclear weapons hidden in the scraggly beard of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

The Iraqi madman had instructed his weapons scientists to create the WMD in microscopic form so that he could carry them around on his person at all times, the officials said.

U.S. General Ricardo Sanchez said that the discovery of WMD nestled in Saddam's unkempt facial hair closes the book on one of Operation Iraqi Freedom's most enduring mysteries.

"Now we know why we never found the weapons of mass destruction," General Sanchez told reporters. "We never dreamed they were tiny enough to be hidden on someone's face."

The general added that Saddam was capable of launching his deadly weapons cache merely by shaking his head.

After he was captured, more...

10. Mass invasion from all sides and crush the Canadians with brute force.9. Casually walk through Canada/U.S. border saying you're just going to an Edmonton kegger.8. Take advantage of loose immigration laws and just infest the country with foreigners.7. Brainwash Canucks into thinking they are American using clever media propaganda. Oh wait, that's already happening.6. Just change the maps. I'm sure no one will notice.5. Just buy Canada, taking advantage of outrageous currency exchange rates.4. 30 NRA members with duck rifles should be enough to do it.3. Crush the arrogant Canadians by cutting off their supply of oil, wheat, natural gas, and water.2. Send American brides north, and breed them out over a fifty year period.1. Poison their beer!