Master Jokes / Recent Jokes

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen,' sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Down in Mississippi, master's got me workin', maybe someday master's gonna set me free!

Once morron and idiot went to play a tv quiz show. Santa was very intelligent whereas banta was extremely foolish. so santa asked banta to copy the answers which he will give for the questions. so first santa went and quiz master asked him that when did india got freedom? He answered that they tried in 1942 but got it in 1947. 2nd question-is there any life on mars? Morron answered that the scientisits are still reaserching for it. Idiot copied all the answers and finnaly his turn came. Quiz master asked him that when were you born? He answered that'i tried in 1942 but was born in 1947 2nd question-are you a male or female. He answered that scientists are still researching for it.

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I`m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he`s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will more...

A gorilla was walking thru’ a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, ‘Who’s the king of the jungle? ’, and the deer replied, ‘Oh, you are, Master. ’
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared, ’Who’s the king of the jungle? ’, of course, the zebra replied, ‘You are, master. ’
The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. ‘Who’s the king of the jungle? ’, he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, ‘Ok, ok, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer! ’