Master Jokes / Recent Jokes

Those who have been driving for many years are familiar with macho driving techniques. Newer drivers however, are probably curious as to what these people are up to. Here's some tips for macho driving:
Drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It must be very large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. If it doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from MX missile transport trucks (roughly 6' in diameter); raise the suspension to allow clearance over the whimps that drive cars.
Practice your best scowl. Remember, that this is the only expression you are permitted to show once you're behind the wheel.
Do not be intimidated by the weather. It should never affect your driving style. Under no circumstances should you use windshield wipers. They're for appearance only. If snow blankets your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of you. You are not permitted to leave your vehicle to do this however! If you can't reach around to the more...

An American. an Englishman and a Chinese man were all taking part in a quiz contest. One question asked them was to fill in a blank in a song title and then spell the word. The song title was 'Old Macdonald had a -'.
The American was first to answer - he said 'ranch', spelt R-A-N-C-H.
"Wrong" said the quiz master.
The Englishman answered next - he said 'estate', spelt E-S-T-A-T-E.
"Wrong" said the quiz master.
Then the Chinese man answered - he said 'farm'.
"Please spell it" said the quiz master.
"E - I - E - I - O"

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.

The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!".

The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."

The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

An illiterate chief goes to London with his barely literate translator and gets constipation. He sends the linguist to the drug store to get him some remedy. The linguist arrives at the store and says to the attendant
"Master, problem. Big Chief, No shit"
The attendant understands, gives him some medicine and tells him the dosage. Next day the linguist returns to the shop and tells the attnedant"
"Master. Still problem. Big Chief, small shit".
The attendant decides to up the dosage a bit. Next day, the linguist comes running to the shop in panic.
"MASTER! MASTER! BIG PROBLEM. BIG SHIT, NO CHIEF!

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.."I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter."Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster.""I got it from my genie.""You have a genie?" he asked."Yes, he's right here in my pocket.""Could I see him?"He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?""Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on more...

In A Horse Race
Horse:"I Will Win This Race For My Master."
Master:"Come On! My Horse Come On.!!!"
Horse Comes To His Master.

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year - The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title."The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.