Matchmaker Jokes

Preparing for a wedding
Benny Goldman had married off four of his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm, intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks. Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single.
In desperation, Benny met with a Jewish matchmaker who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon -- Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara."
"Who?"
"Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England, that’s who."
"A shikseh?"
The matchmaker sighed. "In these enlightened times, what`s wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family, with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have excellent social connections, they`re wealthy and the princess is a real beauty. Look, I`ll write the names down together."
Solomon Goldman --- more...

"Hello may I speak with Mr Bandara, please "
"Yes speaking "
"This is Karthelis, its regarding the proposal"
"Mr. Bandara, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Bandara, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said' two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

Irving can? t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ? I think I have the perfect girl for you. She? s descended from royalty, she? s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she? s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She? s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She? s also got the nicest personality of anyone you? ve ever met. But there? s one problem: she? s not Jewish.?
Irving says, ? My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ? Leave it to me.?
And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ? Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ? more...

The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn`t wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you`ll meet and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don`t bother," replies Abe, "I`ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That`s all well and good," said Benny, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said `two sisters`. I didn`t say they were mine!"

The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Billings, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Billings, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the little lady you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Billings, "I've got two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good," said the matchmaker, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said' two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"