Mates Jokes

After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:
"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG."
"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate replied:
"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND."
"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye." In a more...

Get this. said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything." his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

An English taxidermist, is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"
Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"
"Ac... actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."
"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?"
"I mount d.. d.. dead animals."
"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"

This bloke goes bear hunting with a .22 rifle, a .303 & an elephant gun. He comes to the edge of this clearing and spots a bear. He aims his .22 rifle at the bears head, bang, then races over, looks around, no bear. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder, looks around, 15 foot of grizzly standing there. Bear says 'You must be a sandwich short of a picnic. A .22 rifle and 15 foot of grizzly. I'll tell you what, you've got two choices. Either I crush you to death or you can drop your strides, bend over that rock and I'll give you one'
The hunter replies ' I suppose it's got to be over the rock then'
After the bears had him he walks back to his car, when he gets there he thinks I'll go back with the .303 rifle this time and have him. He gets back to the clearing, the bears there. He takes aim, bang, races over, looks around, no bear. Suddenly, a tap on his shoulder, he looks around, 15 foot of grizzly again. The bear says ' You must be stupid or something. You've got two choices more...

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. the bald guy says he cant afford it. so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)