Mature Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165, 000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25, 000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, more...

What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A f***ing know-it-all.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his @$%.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
(This is a spoonerism. Do we need to explain it?)
Did you hear about the lawyer who dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?

Q: Why does the ABA prohibit lawyers from having sex with clients?

A: To stop clients from being charged twice for basically the same service.

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.
After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.
However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner - I had to do all the work."

It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

Wedding Toasts 6
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U. S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older more...