Max Jokes / Recent Jokes
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can`t believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it`s great, but I`ve got good news, and I`ve got bad news. The good news is that there`s a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we`re playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what`s the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you`re booked to play the solo!"
Craig Donaldson, 17, of Glasgow, Scotland had a little too much time on his hands. One saturday morning in October of 1999 while his parents had left the house to go car shopping, Craig was overcome by the sort of sexual desire only a deprived 17 year old boy could have.
He decided that his usual "self service" material consisting of a back issue of Playboy was not enough and he had become very frustrated. Just then he remembered a story that his friend Jed had told him about a woman in a pornographic movie who had applied peanut butter to her genitals and allowed a trained dog to "clean" it off of her.
Probably thinking to himself, "mom and dad won't be home for hours!", Craig headed upstairs to the kitchen only stopping to let Max, the family's 4 year old doberman pinscher inside the house. Craig searched for some peanut butter but couldn't find any, in fact there was no fruit jam or margarine either.
However, Craig did more...
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I cant believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"Max replies, "Well, its great, but Ive got good news, and Ive got bad news. The good news is that theres a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, were playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"Abe says, "So whats the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, youre booked to play the solo!"
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are eve rywhere."
Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and, discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to combine business with pleasure. The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she didn't want to be discovered and fired. After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
Next morning his phone rang, and his caller was the maid. In dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out, and asked if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"