Meal Jokes / Recent Jokes
Today I brought a frozen eggplant parmigiana (grilled, not fried) to the office for lunch. This was the first time I brought such a meal – normally I do the sandwich route, but today I wanted something different.
Oh, I got something different. You know when it says on food packages that microwave settings vary? At home, I put the eggplant parmigiana in the microwave for 13 minutes and it comes out perfect. Well, the microwave in my office seems to have been assembled at Los Alamos – I put it up for 13 minutes and the damn thing incinerated my lunch. All of the cheese evaporated, the tomato sauce hardened into lava and only a few strips of eggplant remained unscathed.
Needless to say, I am both angry and hungry. Though at the moment, the hunger is stronger than the anger. And I have another five hours to go before dinnertime!
But on the other hand...I need to shed a few pounds. Maybe this smaller meal is a blessing in microwaved disguise?
A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch, it's a BMW."
Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, more...
Banta called his friend Santa and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? Santa said, Send her some flowers and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal. Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman. The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal. Banta, It was a flop idea. Santa, Didn’t the girl come to your house? Banta, She did, but she refused to cook!
A young man was observing an elderly couple in a fast food restaurant who had just ordered one meal. As he watched them, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half and then counted out the french fries until each of them had half.
While the old man began to eat, his wife just sat there watching him.
Feeling a little sorry for them, the young man approached the couple and asked if he could buy them another meal so they wouldn't have to split theirs.
"Oh heavens, no," replied the old man. "It's very kind of you to offer, but we've been married for 50 years and everything has always been, and will continue to be, shared 50/50."
The young man then asked the woman, "Are you not going to eat?"
"No, not just yet," she replied. "Right now it's his turn to use our dentures."
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate. Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers. Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each. Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said. Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do." "Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he does'nt get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to die".