Measures Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.
After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.
After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as he shook his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"

Q: What do you do when you wake up with an erection that measures 87 centimeter?
A: Turn the ruler around!

Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.
First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me."
Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me."
The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700."
The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?"
"Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."

"Mom, I'm pregnant.""How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?""That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."

If you use lighter strings.. he should use heavier strings to sound better
If you sit and play.. why doesn't he stand?
If you stand why doesn't he sit?
If you smile.. what's wrong with him?
If you don't smile.. what's wrong with him?
If you play two measures in octaves.. Wes was a big influence
If you play more than two measures in octaves.. you sound just like Wes
If you like to play "out" what's he doing, can he really play?
If you play " inside". Yeah! But can he really play?
If you play an Archtop. . why does he need such a big guitar
If you play a solid-body that's not a jazz guitar