Measures Jokes / Recent Jokes

To: All university hospital nursing staff.
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
Date: May 21,1997.
Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before more...

So this couple had been married for about five years, and one fine summer day as they're out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, "Man, you're butt is getting fat."
She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The guy follows her and says, "You know that big gas grill over there. I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"
The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF and she goes inside. Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, "Yup. They are both the same size."
The wife is livid! She doesn't speak to him the rest of the day. When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, "Hey, honey, how' bout it?" She thinks for a moment and pulls away.
"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "You're crazy, if you think I'm firing up that big gas grill for one little more...

A group of Surds were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
A passer-by comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the Surds and walks away.
After the person has gone, one Surd turns to another and laughs. "What a nut, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Mom, I'm pregnant."How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.

Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.
First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me."
Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me."
The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700."
The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?"
"Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."