Meat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout."
"I have whooping cough!"
"Where did my bandage go?"
"I think I'm going to puke."
"I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!"
"If I mess up one more time, I'm turning this blade on you."
"I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!"
"I wanted to be an executioner!"
"Burp!"
"I just live here."
"What color the meat is, I don't care! I'm not even wearing any underwear!"
"Man, this place just stunk up bad."
"You want fries with that?"
"Johnny, my meat is on fire!"
"Surreal."

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, more...

There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back.
Man: "How's everything here?"
Assistant: "Well, nothing much, but your dog died."
Man: "How did he die?"
Assistant: "Well, because he ate burned horse meat."
Man: "Where did the meat come from?"
Assistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down."
Man: "What? How did that happen?"
Assistant: "It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch."
Man: "What? A fire broke out in my house?"
Assistant: "Yes, the curtains caught fire from your mother's altar."
Man: "My mum's what?"
Assistant: "Oh..your mother's altar. Well, she died."
Man: "All this more...

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat."

The lawyer said " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4. 50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4. 50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation".

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when….
You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think more...

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the
whole chicken.
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo
and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"
Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag?
A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Q: Whats the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
A: "May I push in your stool?"
Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten
inch penis?
A: more...