Medical Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan... Searching for the cat.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D&C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live longer than your kids do.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
G.I.Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node... I knew it.
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post more...
A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.
She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the more...
A man went to a psychiatrist to seek some help for depression. As he entered the reception room he noticed two doors marked "Men" and "Women". He went through the door marked "Men.
He then encountered two other doors marked "Extrovert" and "Introvert". He decided that he was an introvert and opened that door. He found himself in a room with two more doors marked "Those Making $40,000 and Over" and "Those Making Less than $40,000."
He knew that he made less than $40,000, so he opened that door. He found himself outside the building.