Medical Jokes / Recent Jokes
Matt, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle. He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
Matt quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Matt yelled, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name.
Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive.
Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!"
"Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
Doctor's son: Hello, old man. What's the matter? You're looking glum.
Doctor: No wonder. I'm attending that wealthy Mr Golddig, you know, and I've sent him the wrong medicine.
Son: Indeed! Is it a serious blunder?
Doctor: Very, very serious. The medicine I've sent him will cure him in two days.
After he finished examining Bertha, the doctor went into the hallway to talk to her husband Charles.
"I don't want to alarm you, Charles, but I don't like the way your wife looks at all," the doctor said grimly.
"I don't either, doc," replied Charles, "but she's a wonderful cook and really good with the kids."
A man visits a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex. Can you help me?"
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First, the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.
"OH MY! Four people having sex!" exclaims the man.
Next, the doctor draws a circle. The man gasps and says, "One man having sex."
The doctor then draws a triangle. The man looks at the drawing and says, "Two women and one man having sex."
The doctor puts the drawings away and says, "I agree. You do seem to have an obsession with sex."
"ME??? YOU'RE the one who's drawing all the dirty pictures!" the man replies.