Medical Jokes / Recent Jokes
Matt, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle. He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
Matt quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Matt yelled, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.
During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.
Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.
When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.
The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until more...
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name.
Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive.
Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!"
"Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
Doctor's son: Hello, old man. What's the matter? You're looking glum.
Doctor: No wonder. I'm attending that wealthy Mr Golddig, you know, and I've sent him the wrong medicine.
Son: Indeed! Is it a serious blunder?
Doctor: Very, very serious. The medicine I've sent him will cure him in two days.
After he finished examining Bertha, the doctor went into the hallway to talk to her husband Charles.
"I don't want to alarm you, Charles, but I don't like the way your wife looks at all," the doctor said grimly.
"I don't either, doc," replied Charles, "but she's a wonderful cook and really good with the kids."