Medical Jokes / Recent Jokes

Doctor, doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar."
Come now. I don't believe that."

Doctor, doctor People keep disagreeing with me
No they don't.

Doctor, doctor People keep ignoring me
Next please.

Doctor, doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains
Pull yourself together.

Doctor, doctor I think I'm a cricket ball
Hows that.

Doctor doctor I think I'm a billiard ball
Get to the end of the queue.

Doctor doctor I cant feel my legs
That's because we've cut your arms off.

Doctor doctor I think I need glasses
This is the post office.

Doctor doctor I think everyone hates me
Fuck off you irritating git.

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back."
The old man replied, "So did my arthritis!"

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, more...

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.

A shy little four-year old girl was at the dentist for her first check-up and cleaning. The hygenist attempted to strike up a conversation with her, but received no response.
After the cleaning was finished, the dentist was called in to do the final check. He, too, tried to strike up a conversation with the little girl and received no response.
"Don't you know how old you are?" the dentist asked. The little girl immediately held up four fingers.
"Oh, I see," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Once again, the little girl held up four fingers.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
With a solemn look, the little girl replied, "Can you count, asshole?"

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!"
The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.
The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.
During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?"
"The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope."
Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships more...