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The illness
Two friends meet in the street. One says, “Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?”
“Yes.”
“In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in hospital.”
“Yes.”
“How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?”
Isaac replies, “In 3 weeks time, please G-d, it will be a month.”
A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens. The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?" The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then." All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?" No problem" the martain man replies. Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider. The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex. The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?" The man replied, "It more...
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?""No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"
So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did. Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"
The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"
Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt"!
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
Although fishing season hasn't opened and he has no license, the fisherman is casting for trout when a stranger approaches him and asks, "Having any luck?"
"This is a great spot. I took 12 out of here just yesterday," replies the fisherman.
"Really now. Do you happen to have any idea who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope, not really," the fisherman says.
"Well sir, meet the new game warden," he replies.
"Oh, I see," says the fisherman with a gulp. "Do you know who I am?"
"Nope, can't say as I do," answers the game warden.
"Meet the biggest liar in the county!" says the fisherman..
The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope".
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."