Meeting Jokes / Recent Jokes

Advertising & Creative Thinking
This supposedly was a real event that took place in a consulting firm in Chicago. The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "VIAGRA advertising slogans."
Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of VIAGRA. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
10. VIAGRA, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. VIAGRA, The quicker pecker upper
8. VIAGRA, Like a rock!
7. VIAGRA, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. VIAGRA, Be all that you can be.
5. VIAGRA, more...

Time Sheets To all staff: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time". In this company unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem,however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you.
The Management

Attached: Extended Job Code List Code number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 more...

I was in the airport VIP lounge, en route to Seattle, a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straight forward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?" he replied.
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. when she arrives would you be so kind as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi Ray.'"
"Sure", he replied.
I shook his hand, thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi Ray," he more...

How To Play "Office BINGO":
(AKA ~ BULLCRAP BINGO!)

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and training sessions at your office? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your "Bullcrap Bingo" card by drawing a square -- 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practices, bottom line, revisit, paradigm, 24/7, out-of-the-loop, benchmark, value-added, proactive, win-win, think outside the box, fast-track, result-driven, empower, knowledge-base, at the end of the day, touch base, active listening, mindset, client-focused, ballpark, game-plan, leverage, technology.

3. Check off the appropriate block more...

The Heavy ThinkerIt started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?". Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become more...

1. A stained dress.

2. An open and empty condom wrapper.

3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?

4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.

5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.

6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security.

7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.

8. Put a piece more...

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly more...