Meeting Jokes / Recent Jokes

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code Number Explanation
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5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of more...

Just received this from my friend Sathyakama. He got it from /etc/fortune
If you don't understand Unix you will miss most (if not all) of this joke. Apologies in advance. To the rest, read on and laugh on! I was ROTFL!
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.
Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.
Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-friendly features of Unix.
Seminars include
"Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson
"Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C? Si! Si!" led by more...

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a' professional smart person' by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult. 1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator? * * * * Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door. * 2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator? * * * * Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. * 3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend? * * * * Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator. * 4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it? * * * * Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the
meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th
hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole".
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he more...

Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, "what was that?", you can now explain!

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.

Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes' Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage more...

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."A motivational sign Work jokes: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too. .. but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb more...

Here`s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they`re not looking, pour most of someone`s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say `good morning` to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can`t talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don`t want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you more...