Melon Jokes

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...

Recently, in Hungary a man went to the bank to ask for a loan. The
bank manager said "No way" and sent him on his way.
Irate, the customer returned an hour later with a pistol and a
watermelon, and dragged the bank manager out at gunpoint into the
foyer.
The manager later explained "I asked him,'Are you going to shoot me??'
and he said' Not if you fuck this melon!!'"
The gunman then shot a hole in the melon, then with his trousers
around his knees and a pistol at his head, the manager got to work on
the fruit in front of his staff and a crowd of customers.
Ten minutes of managerial grunting later, daring clerks succeeded in
overpowering and disarming the gunman.
"Actually," one of the clerks admitted, "we could have stopped him much
earlier, but we'd never seen our manager enjoy himself so much!"

Why did the melon jump into the water?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon!

Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their more...

Q: What did the girl melon say to the boy melon??

A: We're too young, we cantaloupe!