Member Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why isn't God helping us? Some people ask this question. Well, here's an answer.
Billy Graham's daughter was being interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.
She said "I believe that God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman that He is, I believe that He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand that He leave us alone?"
I know there's been a lot of emails going around in regards to 9/11/01, but this really makes you think. If you don't have time, at least skim through it, but the bottom line is something to think about... in light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.
Let's see, I think it more...

After accumulating sufficient frequent flyer miles, Bill and Bernice landed on Mars where they met a Martian couple. They were talking about all sorts of things and Bill asked if Mars had a stock market, did they have laptop computers, how they made money.
Finally, Bernice broached the subject of sex. "Just how do you do it?" she asked.
"Pretty much the same way you do," replied the male Martian.
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Bernice and the male Martian headed off to a bedroom, where the male stripped. After taking one look at him, Bernice was disappointed to see that he only had a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and a quarter inch wide. "I really don't think this is going to work," Bernice said.
"Why not?" he asked. "What's the problem?"
"Well, it's just not long enough to reach me!" she explained.
"No problem," he said, more...

This notice was found in a London office building. It was dated 1852.

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a. m. and 7 p. m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to more...

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth...
He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
the universe pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the Earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for Earth anyway, since "The
Earth was void and empty and darkness was on the more...

A jokes fun club. All the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their numbers. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laugh. One of the old members tells him:
- Colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.

>? My Boss had a "stroke of genius" and it killed him.
>
>? My Boss recently fired a gay employee. He called it "canning the fruit".
>
>? My Boss is a famous inventor. He created "the fluke".
>
>? Whenever "it's" going to hit the fan, my Boss makes sure I'm right down
>front.
>
>? I work in the company kitchen. My Boss said "If you ever drop food on the
>floor, just put it in the microwave for a few seconds to kill the germs.
>Then go ahead and put it on plates for the customers."
>
>? My Boss was complaining about how much time I used to take my wife to the
>doctor for her leukemia treatments. He said "You're making too much of
>this. We are all going to die sometime. Make sure your career doesn't die
>first."
>
>? We recently moved into a new building that didn't have enough space for
>our cubicles. I was told my cubicle wouldn't more...

ADAM & EVE
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't
find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were
earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve
now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always
caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The
reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and more...