Members Jokes / Recent Jokes
You know your church is a redneck church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch' em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "Branding".
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to more...
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday weretaking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off
to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said,
Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
' Bastards won't let me fart.'
Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar. It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated. However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members. CURRENT PHRASE---REPLACEMENT PHRASENO FUCKING WAY ---I'm fairly sure that's not feasibleYOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ---Really? TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK---Have you run that by....... NO BASTARD TOLD ME ---I wasn't involved in that. I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME ---Perhaps I can stay and work on that. WHO FUCKING more...
The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done.
After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....."
The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it.
After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I usually drive the hearse."
How do you tell two KKK members apart? Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.
The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE... On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front more...