Members Jokes / Recent Jokes

A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street. Some Jews were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first.

So the Jewish synagogue had a problem.

Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.

Instead, they used bumper stickers.

One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read:

"I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH! "

No more parking lot problems.

he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me, TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...), TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my more...

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. ..
Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose. ..
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him. ..
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he
ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows. ..
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer. ..
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his
ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names. ..
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him
unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem
and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. ..
Translation: They more...

The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long, indeed, and the people
grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait. Eventually an official comes out and
announces "We are very low on meat; all Jews must leave the line." So the Jews
in the line quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.
After some more of a wait the same official reappears and announces, "We are
even lower on meat that we thought. All non-party members must leave the
line." So all the non-card-carrying members standing in line begin heading for
home, equally empty-handed.
After some more time the official appears to declare "All Serbs and Croats must
leave the line; we haven't enough meat for you." Disappointed, they leave the
line and wander off.
Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears and informs the
remaining people "Unfortunately we have run out of meat entirely - you may as
well all go more...

You're an 80's child if...

1. You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
2. You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
3. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
4. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in' 'Thriller'' at the end of the video.
5. You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
6. You wore french rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.
7. You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
8. You owned a doll with' Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
9. You knew what Willis was' 'talkin'' bout.''
10. You know the profound meaning of' 'Wax on, Wax off.''
11. You can name at least half of the members of the elite' 'Brat Pack.''
12. You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!!
13. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle more...

In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why can't pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: more...

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord...

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of more...