Microsoft Jokes / Recent Jokes

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U. S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘General Car Fault’ warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a more...

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup more...

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.
Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it more...

* PCMCIA -People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
* ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
* SCSI - System Can’t See It
* DOS - Defective Operating System
* BASIC - Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
* IBM - I Blame Microsoft
* DEC - Do Expect Cuts
* CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
* OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
* WWW - World Wide Wait
* MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
* PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
* COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
* AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
* LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
* MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
* WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
* MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
*RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

Windows2000 Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.Windows ME Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. Microsoft Chicken (TM): After noticing that it is the only chicken to successfully cross the road, the US DOJ declares then the Microsoft Chicken (TM) is a 900 pound gorilla, not a chicken, and wants to divide it into several smaller gorillas and place them in the middle of the road hoping traffic will run them down... Netscape Chicken: Stands in the middle of the road loudly squawking about how the Microsoft Chicken is keeping it from crossing the road. Apple Macintosh Chicken: Crossed the road long ago and still claims to be the first chicken that we could actually see cross the road. BASIC Chicken more...

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

Allegedly a letter to the Home Economist:

SIR:

Mr. Gates' arguments may also be applied to the electricity utility business. If I were the head of Gates Gas & Electric, the first thing I would do is declare that we sell energy systems, not power, and that customers tell us that they want a familiar energy environment wherever they go

The first step would be to integrate a smart fridge into the overall energy system as it is the first appliance opened by most users and real-time monitoring of beer temperature increases satisfaction with the energy environment for 78% of all customers

Customers would be free to use other fridges, even making someone else's their default appliance. However, if they try to remove the Gas & Electric fridge their television and air conditioner might not function properly. When a circuit fails in an older home we would repair it with a' service pack' that also installs our fridge, eventually introducing all more...