Microsoft Jokes / Recent Jokes

News Flash: Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes extensive design
revisions. Finally releases a product that doesn't suck.

Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released: 1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. 2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows! 3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. 4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house. 5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle. 6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. 7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better. 9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. 10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows. 11. OS/2. .. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. 12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes! 13. Windows3. 1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy. 14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. 15. more...

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
1003. Two to hold the ladder, one to screw the light bulb into a faucet, and 1000 to flood the internet with rumors about the upcoming faucet-bulb feature in the next version of Windows.

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a more...

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they more...

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can`t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We`ve been more...

Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.