Midnight Jokes / Recent Jokes
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.His wife heard more...
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?""Two days ago.""Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?""At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty.""No, I mean what's he taking in college?""He's taking every penny I make.""Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?""He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.""Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?""Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
To get us all in the Christmas spirit... Can you name these Christmas Songs? Answers found below.
-- Questions ---
Approach Everyone Who Is Steadfast
Ecstacy Toward The Orb
Hush, The Foretelling Spirits Harmonize
Hey, Miniscule Urban Area Southwest Of Jerusalem
Quiescent Nocturnal Period
The Autocratic Troika Originating Near the Accent of Apollo
The Primary Carol
Embellish The Corridors
I Apprehended My Maternal Parent Osculating with a Corpulent, Unshaven Male in Crimson Disguise
I'm Fantasizing Concerning a Blanched Yuletide
My Singular Desire For The Impending Yuletide Season Is Receipt Of A Pair Of Central Incisors.
During the Time Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges Past Twilight
Celestial Messengers From Splendid Empires.
The Thing Manifest Itself at the Onset of a Transparent Day
The Tatterdemalion Ebony Atmosphere
The Coniferous Nativity
What Offspring Abides Thus?
Removed in a Bovine Feeding more...
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual more...
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight.. . I promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.
Quickly I realized she''d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.
Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said,
' 'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three more...
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter.
"Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out:
"One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"