Mile Jokes / Recent Jokes

100, 000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real more...

A Producer and the Pope die at the same time and show up at the pearly gates together. St Peter says to both of them, "Glad to see you. Come on in and see where your heavenly home is."
So they go inside and walk along the golden path to an area where there are glorious palaces on both sides of the street. St. Peter points to the most beautiful of them and says to the Producer, "Here's your place. Have a nice eternity," and he and the Pope continue to walk along the road.
After a couple of miles the gold road turns to cement, and the palaces turn to 4 bedroom estates, and they keep walking. A mile more, and the road turns into black top, and the houses become bungalows. A mile more, and the road turns to dirt, and the houses to hovels.
St. Peter stops in front of the meanest, dirtiest hovel and says to the Pope, "Here's your heavenly home."
The Pope goes ballistic and says, "What do you mean? You gave that other guy a palace, and more...

A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde."You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?'' ''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have more...

Signs Of The 2000's

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the more...

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first more...

One guy's story...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything stupid to me or near me in traffic; and here's why...

I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of which 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for just the 32 miles that traffic is bumper to bumper.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars, plus the rest of my 34 mile commute which is not bumper-to-bumper, where I more...