Million Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tired
For several years, I've been blaming it on my age, homework, air pollution, under arm odour and a host of other reasons. o, it wasn't any of them. his is why I'm tired.
There are 18 million people in this country. Of those, 5 million are retired. That leaves 13 million of us to work. Out of them, 8 million are at school or studying. That leaves 5 million of us to work. Of those, 2 million are unemployed. That leaves 3 million of us to work. Of those, 2 million are employed by the government. That leaves 1 million of us to work. Of those, 1000 are politicians. That leaves 999 000 of us to work. Of those, 999 998 are businessmen. That leaves two of us to work. Just you and me.
And you're sitting here on your ass reading this!. No wonder I'm bloody tired.
THIS LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HIS FATHER ONE DAY AND ASKS HIS FATHER WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALISTICALLY AND POTENTIALLY.
HIS FATHER SAYS, "GO UP TO YOUR MOTHER AND ASK HER IF SHE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ROBERT REDFERD FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEN ASK YOUR SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BRAD PITT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEN ASK YOUR BROTHER IF HE WAS SLEEP WITH TOM CRUISE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS."
SO THE BOY FINDS HIS MOM AND ASKS HER, "MOMMY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ROBERT REDFERD FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"
THE MOTHER SAYS, "YES HE'S FINE AS HELL I'D SLEEP WITH HIM FOR A MILLION DOLLARS."
THE LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HIS SISTER AND ASKS HER,"WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH BRAD PITT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"
THE SISTER SAYS, "HELL YEH HE'S HOT AS HELL."
HE GOES UP TO HIS BROTHER AND ASKS HIS, "WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH TOM CRUISE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"
THE BROTHER SAYS, "HELL YEH, I'D SLEEP WITH HIM FOR A MILLION more...
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second.
Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and
can't believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot
and he's the only winner. He phones the lottery
organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony.
So there he is, at the press conference with the
photographers and the oversized novelty check etc...
when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. "Jack",
he says, "we're having a bit of trouble with the
prizes this week". "What's that", Jack asks. "Well,
a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers
and we're really short on cash because of it. Now I
know we're meant to be given you the whole 10
million today but, and here me out, how about we
give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week
after, then 2 million the week after that and we'll
give you the other million in the fourth week. How
does that sound?"
Jack stops and says, "Look if your going to screw
around more...
TOP TEN REASONS MICROSOFT INVESTED $150 MILLION IN APPLE
10. Bill Gates found spare change in his trousers
9. First and last month's rent on empty office space in Cupertino
8. Fee: Steve Jobs to give charisma lessons to Microsoft CEO
7. Two words: Rhapsody 98
6. Small price to pay for world domination
5. Bill to Larry: I own you now, too
4. Jobs and Woz threw in a signed Apple I as part of the deal
3. Best way to assure Gates a starring role in next Pixar
animated feature
2. Easier than bribing entire Justice Department
1. Strategic move: Apple users now hate Jobs more than Gates
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he
pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million
years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity,
God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to
you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...
can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! more...
Throughout numerous cultures, the concept of the devil has been a constant, yet his name has varied. For instance, In German legend he has been called Krumnase meaning "crooked nose", Ziegenbart meaning "goatbeard", Spiegelglanz meaning "mirror-sight" and finally Shortzenanklez meaning "guy with shorts around his ankles".
Where the odds of getting hit by lightning are almost 1 in a million, the odds are only 1 in 5 that some day you'll get rear-ended in a parking lot by a guy named "Herb".
Although hard to believe, of 1000 proctologists polled, over 79% say that in any given work day, they use the word "AND" far more than they use the word "BUT".
Of 3 million women movie-goers polled, 2.1 million stated that what a date orders at the snack bar can provide an initial indication of that person as a sexual partner. All 2.1 million stated that a date who orders Goobers has "no chance in more...