Minute Jokes / Recent Jokes

By Nicholas Petreley
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the more...

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With more...

Having retired several months before, Mr. Boniface was bored and went looking for part-time work. Landing a job as a school bus driver and given a very short route to begin with, he was handed a set of keys and told that his bus would be in spot number fifteen the following morning.
The next day Mr. Boniface went to the bus depot and boarded his bus-which, as it happened, was decorated with Sesame Street characters. Though he felt a tad foolish driving a bus with Big Bird on the door, Mr. Boniface knew-the lads must like it and put the decorations; from his mind.
The first lads he picked up were two chubby girls, both of whom happened to be named Pat-, tie. Both carried peanut butter sandwiches and as they took huge, snorting bites, dripped jelly all over the bus. At the next stop, portly Hoss and his mother came on, the woman going on; and on about how special her brilliant son was and how she hoped Mr. Boniface would drive very carefully. The last child on the route was more...

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos. ”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you? ”
The man said, “I’ll go check, ” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours. ”
“Alright. How long do you need them? ”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check. ” After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house. ”

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor:' It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering. Patient: Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up. Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the more...

A country boy decides to join the Army. He walks into the recruiters office and announces, "I want to join the Army!" The recruiter offers the boy a seat across the desk from him, looks at the country boy and asks, "How old are you son?" The country boy answers, "Well, last year I was 22, but I can't figure out how old I am now. Let me go home and ask my mama, I reckon she's the only one who keeps up with my age." The country boy gets up and starts to leave.

The recruiter barks, "Son, get over here and sit down in this seat right this minute!" The country boy does as the recruiter orders him to. After a minute of eyeing the country boy, the recruiter asks, "Son, there ain't much between you and a fool is there?"

The country boy thinks it over for a minute, then replies, "Just this desk I guess."