Miracle Jokes / Recent Jokes

I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle." Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle." With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're c omplaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

What did the Miracle Whip say when the girl opened the refridgerator?
CLOSE THE DOOR IM DRESSING!

Christmas at New York City's Rockfeller Center will feature a tree from western New Jersey that its owners call a "miracle."

Workers are cutting down the 72-foot tall Norway spruce on the grounds of Tree King nursery in Hamilton, which is owned by the Varanyak family.

He says it's "the miracle tree" because his late mother always said it would one day be on display at Rockefeller Center.

His brother, Bob, says they recently saw a blue bird in the tree and they believe the bird was their mother guarding it.
________
Unfortunately, the blue bird was crushed by the falling tree, and its recently hatched chicks froze to death in the crisp, NJ air....but the tree is beautiful, and if you squint your eyes, tree rings on the stump almost look like Santa Claus.

The following comes from a Catholic elementary school.



Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i. e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)





In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.



Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which animals come on to in pears.



Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.



The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.



Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.



Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the more...

An alter boy is in church cleaning the pews when he sees a cripple struggle through the doors of the church and make his way to the font of holy water. The boy watches as the cripple manages to get up the step, sprinkles holy water on his legs and then throws his crutches away.

The alter boy runs to get the priest and explains what he saw.

"It's a miracle", exclaims the priest, "where is he now?"

"Flat on his ass by the holy water", says the boy.

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth more...