Misc Jokes / Recent Jokes
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A' smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why more...
An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
Diffrence between guys and girls Friends
If a guy calls his girls friend about where she was last night they would all say i have no idea.
If a girl tried to find out where a guy was last night 8 out of 10 would say he had spent the night, and 3 of those would say he was still there
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"