Missus Jokes / Recent Jokes

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya` don`t give up you`re drinkin` and it`s to Hell I`ll take ye`". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I`m the divil ya` damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I`m married to yer sister."

What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull? Your very last headjob.

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the missus that I would be home by midnight... promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness even when smashed - to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said: "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ' @$#%,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and giggled."

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight... I promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.
Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said,
'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.'
'I think it's stuffed, don't more...

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes." Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them." Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.