Mistake Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get
these responses.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% got a light?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man: Too many arguments.
% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% (-
(-: Command not found.
% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.
% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.
% more...

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work. This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

Answer: On their MARRIAGE.

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE
* Playing loudly during warm up $10
* Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
* Loud cursing after mistake $10
* Playing high and fast after mistake $20
* Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
* Asking for "E" tuning note $25
* Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
* Playing written-out walking line $50
* Failure to play written walking line $75
* Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
* Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
* Playing eighth notes $5 each
* Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
* Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
* Dragging fast tempo $75
* Dragging ballad tempo $100
* Blacking out during ballad $200
* Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
* Following drummer's tempo $250
* Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...