Model Jokes / Recent Jokes
The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced
at the trade fair. “Listen to these features it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all...”“Very impressive,” interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, “but before I place an order I'll have to try it out.”“Be my guest,” said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, “One at a time, please, one at a time!”
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure."
He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
None. The invisible hand does it.
Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
Eight. One to change it and seven to hold everything else constant.
One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.
The Internet Newbie's Song
Sung to the Major General's song from
'The Pirates of Penzance'
by Gilbert& Sullivan
I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,
I've seen' The Wrath of Khan' and every Star Trek film that followed it,
I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!
ALL: With many cheerful etc.
I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.
ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He more...
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.""What happened?" asks Birnbaum.Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!""You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to more...
Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.
Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.
COBOL
A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but more...
Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's more...