Moishe Jokes / Recent Jokes
What a coincidence!
Moishe and Bernie are walking down Regents Street when Moishe suddenly says to Bernie, "Don`t look! Don`t look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."
Bernie sneaks a peak and says, "What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"
Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.
Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?
Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:
"Catholic Supply House. I'd like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes".
The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:
"Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we don't deliver on Saturdays. We're closed for Shabbos.
Language barrier
One Succoth, as two African Americans are standing on Brooklyn Bridge, Moishe walks past carrying a Luluv and Estrog.
"Hey man, Jew, where you goin` with that palm tree and that lemon?" they ask.
"I`m going to shul." Moishe replied.
"What`s ‘shul’?" they ask.
"Well, come with me and I`ll show you." Moishe said.
So one goes with Moishe to synagogue and later returns to his friend after services.
"Dem Jews is crazy," he says. "First dey says `oh no,` den dey says `Ah don` know` and den dey says `How sh`Ah know?`"
Rabbi’s advice
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
"I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl"
"Mazeltov."
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the Rabbi.
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking so worried?"Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"
Chaim and Moishe were walking along a dark alley, and saw two suspicious characters in the distance. Chaim says to Moishe: "We better run: there are two of them."
Memories
Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83, who had just dropped in for a chat and a moan.
"Moishe, I`m not the same any more. I can`t remember so many things!"
"It vas the same thing mit myselve! But I took a memory course."
"Vos? Does this help?"
"Sure it does."
"So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
"This is called mnemonics. You take something that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
"I vant to take this course! Vat is it called?"
"It is called...hum...the name...oy vay...Vait! Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
"A rose, right?"
Moishe immediately shouts upstairs, "Rose, Rose my darling, what is the name of that memory course we took?"