Moishe Jokes / Recent Jokes

The end
Moishe had just had a medical check up. "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you`ve only got about 6 months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you`ve known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife," said the doctor, "after all, you`ll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That`s a good point," said Moishe, "and with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked more...

Moishe mit Rochel's car Vun day,
Chaim vas valking down da street ven who did he see
driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Moishe!!
Moishe pulled up to him vit a big vide smile.
"So... Moishe, vere did you get dat big fancy car?"
Chaim asked.
"Rochel gave it to me"
She gave it to you? "Rochel gave you a car?" I knew she
vaz sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vot happened. Ve vos driving out
on county road 6, in da middle of novere.
Rochel pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got
out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said
'Moishe take vatever you vant.
"...Sooooo, I took da car"."
"Moishe, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit
ya."

The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I`ve never told anybody I`m a gay!"
John confesses, "I`m having an affair with my boss`s wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don`t know how to tell you...."
"Don`t be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can`t keep secrets."

The most famous person
Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants. One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn`t believe him and replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I bet you don`t know Madonna." Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what`s more we`ve had dinner together. Now we are friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna`s house. Madonna personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon there. But Martin wasn`t convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President more...

Moishe had just had a medical check up. "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've only got about 6 months to live." "Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?" "Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor his whole life. "You might think about taking a wife," said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness." "That's a good point," said Moishe, "and with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time." "May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl." "A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe. "It'll seem longer."

The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it`s going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.
"I`ll Pay!" shouts McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley."

Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $100 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived. Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb." Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air. "I think the greatest man who ever lived more...