Mom Jokes / Recent Jokes

Child: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said -----

You've Got Male!

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?" "Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight." "Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George? Who's George?" "Why, that's your husband, dear." "Mom, I don't have a husband." "Is this 234-5678?" "Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong more...

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how
his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes
home!!!", says the mom.
while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up
to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
All right That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just
don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now,
about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so
proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny
bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest,
shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"
asks more...

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell' zilla'?"

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

Mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A man finally decides to go on the vacation of his life. He had
been putting it off because he owned a prize winning cat and
he also looked after his aging mother who lived next door. After
much worrying he decided to leave his cat in his brother's care
and take the vacation he'd so long put off.
"OK," he told his brother "Take good care of my cat and check
in on Mom every day."
"Yeah, yeah," said the less responsible brother "I'll take care of everything, you just go on your stupid vacation."
So the vacation started by him being dropped off at the airport
by his now "responsible" brother. After two weeks the man
returned from his trip and his brother picked him up at the airport. Getting into the car the man immediately asked "How's my cat doing?"
"Your cat's dead." came the reply from his brother.
"WHAT?" asked the man in total more...